exxy’s spot

sleep-deprived hormones tend to work less efficiently but this sense of ligth-headedness is one of my favorite sensations. i call it the state of being a cottonhead.

cottonheads are fun to be with, especially with the right dose of alcohol and the right mix of high-wired emotions. and it gives the perfect excuse for doin’ stupid and more-stupid stuff that can be a basis for blackmailing a person in the future. aahhh. the story of my life =o)

being a cottonhead for almost ten years now, i guess the stupid part overtook my sane mind cause i never see things the way i’m supposed to and i always have a perpetual need to be irritatingly masochistic, my specialty being self-inflicted delusions and futile exercise of unrequited sincerity, be it to passions or to persons. but as always, i find the perfect rationale for my actions.

i’m placed in a circumstance that i never thought would be possible in my lifetime and i am left without choice. the decision was not made for me. someone else took away my capacity to decide for myself.which is more preposterous for me since i always believed that there is a choice in whatever one may do. thus, the need to formulate a word to cover for the seeming blunder in my existence. i am getting into my cottonhead mode.now.   

anyway, i love being a cottonhead. at least i have a fallback…an excuse for whatever that may continually go wrong in the series of unfortunate events that never seem to get any freakin better. but this one time, it’s not my choice.i hate that. i like to attain my cottonhead state only through unreasonable amounts of alcohol intake or perrenial insomia attacks.      

huh? it wasn’t me..it was the cotton in my head that outweighed the sane choices and the logical ways of the real world. thank God for a crazy mind. in my eternal denial to acknowledge despair and my childish clinging to infinite hope of better realities,i strongly remain a cottonhead. ain’t making mistakes always fun? ;o)

3 April 2007, 7:30 PM.

God must think i am strong since i never thought i can go through adversity this hard. but i thank Him just the same coz i have people like you to help me through.thank you for your prayers and your presence in my life. to greater things, cheers! =)

******

real world hits hard. but it hurts less than i expected.though i’m still feeling lost and unsure of my next move, it was a very big factor that my family was with me when my second karmic disaster happened. i guess it is me then.oh well, so much for ten freaking wasted years.

******

in his commencement speech at stanford, steve jobs said:

you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever…

Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle…

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.

******

i’m so happy i got my diving license instead of waiting when i pass the bar coz it may never come mwehehe

twuz ages ago but "the holiday" kinda struck me in my so-called break-before-the-real-world-hits-me thingie.especially my oh-i-can-so-relate line where Iris texted her ex on the plane "we both know i need to fall out of love with you.please at least let me try" or something like that…

how appropriate.

that’s one of the reasons i love movies so much. they verbalize thoughts i am scared to acknowledge in real life. And lemme quote Iris(emphasis mine):  And then, there’s another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It’s called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! 

how appropriate indeed. oh,here is another line that stuck with me:

Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you’re behaving like the best friend. 

so there it was.guess maybe because i’m not the leading lady kind..but sometimes i kinda get tired of being the best friend.

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH. i’m having a post-vacation/work blues attack. guess i loved palawan more than i hoped. went there without knowing anyone and left with some friends (WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!) in the movie Iris found her miles (jack black) who made her realize she can be happy. though i did not find my jack, at least i left palawan with lotsa happy sand and sun memories..and some life lessons i learned the not-so-easy way.

fare to palawan. P2645.00

fare going to and from el nido. P 750.00

waking up in el nido on my 28^th birthday. priceless.

okay,okay, i stole the idea from a tv commercial but there is no other way of saying how happy i was last weekend!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! imagine, someone told Carla and me that to get to el nido you have to spend around 10K/day.. (which is what you will spend for lagen [more than!] or maniloc) well, we ain’t called budget and adventure travelers for nuthin =) we spent a grand total of <P2,300 for our weekend adventure!

ask us how!

‘twuz my only free weekend since my work is kinda hectic for this week and the next..so we decided to go for it =) since we did not get the tour-tour thingies, we went the way the locals would…by bus. for six hours. needless to say, we can put it in our been-there-done-that list since that ride was an experience i would gladly say i don’t wanna do ever ever again. period. mwehehe

it was worth it. six hours of bumpy, dusty ride and all.

our first day was pretty uneventful and we just went around the town and checked out the local scene…and cuisine (of course!) the art café serves all-day breakfast (which we had at 5PM  mwehehe) and the balaytubai is an indigenous hang out place where local bands play reggae and such..

island hopping the next day proved to be the stuff a best weekend getaway in my entire existence is made of. this trip will definitely get the oh-my-god-i-have-to-come-back-here-and-stay-for-a-month award. there are just sooooooo many things to do…kayaking, snorkeling, diving (which are in my favorite things to do), windsurfing (which I cannot afford to do) and each island has a certain charm that makes it so refreshing! we went to the big and small lagoon and had a few bites at sumisu island (which was named after a japanese tourist who died there—he went snorkeling and got stranded for three days)

for me, the highlight of the trip is our stay at entalula.   it is where the guests of maniloc are brought for their windsurfing and diving pleasure but the beach is open to the public. the sand is powdery as in it’s soooooooooo light and fine, when you walk through the shore, your feet would sink about a couple of inches…and you can cover your whole body and not feel the weight of the sand…haaaaaaay…I have never seen any beach more beautiful than enchanting entatula…haaaaay.

then we went to another island for snorkeling but saw some jellyfish so did not push it. anyway, had the setting sun at the horizon so wuz enjoying the pleasure of watching it.

after island hopping, carl and i went to this alternative center that serves vegan food. it’s not the gastronomic calling that brought us there but the suspended boat-like structure that they have where we had our dinner. imagine sitting inside a boat with sand three meters below you instead of water around you…we stayed there for rice coffee after dinner and watched the stars in the candlelight..happiness.     

in the middle of the night carl had a surprise pancake for me with a li’l candle and she sang  happy birthday. though i was deadtired, wuz contently happy upon waking up in this really great place for my birthday..

there are around fifty islands in el nido…hhmmmm…next time i’d like to go to their secret beach (which was allegedly the inspiration of the movie “the beach”) and maybe imitate the foreigner who is staying in one of the beaches (he’d been there for two years now..) and set up a home there..will definitely go back to el nido…unless i will have enough money to go to amanpulo, then maybe i’ll give up this thought.. but for now, let’s stick to reality. i’ll start saving up for airfare… and go back to el nido in style mwehehe

it is my last day at work tomorrow.

i’ll be spending a few weeks in palawan cause i got accepted as a volunteer for an NGO—without pay, which is not the scary part, though i must admit it is a bit tricky for such a nice place(i mean, how will i go around if i have no money? so,visit me there so you can feed me and i can be your "local" guide mwehehe ) but i’m more scared of the thought that i will be in a strange place adjusting to a new job and a new set of work colleagues, without knowing anyone except my future immediate superior…and i dropped my job just like that. so i’ll be a pauper for the next three months (volunteer then campaign period follows) [FRIENDS SHOULD READ: this is a solicitation letter. ahem! birthday fast approaching--NOT A HINT mwehehe]   

hhhmmmm..changes bring out the best or the worst in people.does the fact that i love it make any difference? will i stumble and fall in light of the struggle that i chose in the first place? will i adjust easily to a different working environment? will my social skills (or the absence of it…really! i’m shy in the real world!) work?  will i find another job that will pay as much? am i meant to stay in ‘pinas? or is there something else far more exciting in the world outside gingoog and manila? should i go or should i stay?

questions that haunt me at night…but these are good distractions from what is really bothering me and more than five thousand others who took the bar last year…a possible life changing day within the month (or not! mwehehe)

i’m scared but definitely i am more excited with the thought of going to a new place and conquering these thoughts..of meeting future friends and going to the beach for the weekend (WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!) and of course..making a difference in the world.

i love changes. just hope it will bring out the best in me =) puerto princesa,here i come!

i believe that hating someone, like happiness, is a choice.

no matter how bad a person treats you, you can either strike back, fight fire with fire or you can simply lift up such negative feelings and go on with the brighter side of things. i choose the latter.

giving up on someone is like saying that such person is incapable of change to see the evil of her ways. it is ignoring the basic premise that as intellectual beings, we are supposed to be beyond mere emotions in our dealings with other people. it does not matter much how other people treat you. what matters is how you treat other people. so when i feel like someone is not treating me right, i do not take it as a personal affront to my character or being. i take it as a sign that such person may be placed in a situation where it brings out the worst in her. so, instead of anger, i feel pity towards her. she says negative things about other people because that is her perspective. that is her point of view of how some people are. if she would waste her time wallowing in the misery of her situation and taking it out on someone else, then that is her choice.

i can respect that. i can be a subject of someone else’s bullying tendencies. 

i just hate it when it is done behind my back.

i’d rather have someone say they hate me in front of my face and treat me bad rather that be with someone who pretends to care for me and be my friend when in fact they are not. life is too short to be wasted on pretensions. in the end, it does not matter much what you have done in this life, what matters is how you did it.

oh. for the record, i am not being a self-righteous b*+ch here. i’m just writing these thoughts to remind myself i am supposed to be beyond stupid, petty and momentary lapses of prudence. to quote a bumper sticker:

“Lord, please grant me patience. NOW.”  

nalulungkot ako.

sampung araw na lang, di ko pa rin maramdaman ang diwa ng pasko. sabi ng isang kakilala ko, ito ay sa dahilang ang pasko ay para sa mga bata (sumakatwid, ito ba ay sintomas na ako ay tumatanda na? wag po, ayaw ko pa.) pero sa araw na ito, isang tagpo ang nagdala sa akin ng kakaibang saya dulot ng kapaskuhan.

sa araw-araw na paglalakbay ko (oo, binabaybay ko ang buong manila mula quezon city papuntang pasay para makapagtrabaho) minsan, tulad ngayon, parang naawa ako sa sarili ko..naiisip ko, bakit ba ako nagtitiis dito samantalang ang sarap naman mamuhay sa probinsiya..? naputol ang daloy ng mga kasagutan sa isipan ko nang makita ko ang isang pedicab lulan ang isang pamilya. yung tatay, mga biente anyos, hirap na hirap pausugin ang pedicab na lulan ang asawa niya na mga dise otso anyos lang, at ang kanilang dalawang anak…isang dalawang taong gulang, isang mga isang taong gulang…at buntis pa ang batang babae na maybahay na. unang sumagi sa isipan ko..Diyos ko, pano sila nabubuhay? kung ako nga, walang asawa at anak, hirap na hirap mabuhay, pano pa sila..? me dalawang palalamunin at me isa pang parating?

habang magkatabi ang sinasakyan ko sa kanila, nakita ko ang saya sa mga mukha ng mag-asawa.pinipilit kong pigilin pero nakaramdam ako ng inggit para sa kanila.ang saya nilang tingnan. iniisip ko ang dahilan ng ngiti sa mga bibig nila at nalaman ko na ito ay isang parol na hawak-hawak ng batang lalaki. tuwang-tuwa sila at pinag-uusapan nila kung saan nila ito ilalagay sa bahay nila. at nagtatawanan silang buong pamilya.

nakakatuwa.

simple lang ang buhay para sa kanila.mali ang pag-aakala ko. ako lang ang namomoblema samantalang sila naman ay tuwang-tuwa sa buhay nila. nainggit ako sa kakayahan nilang makakita ng kasiyahan sa gitna ng pagtatawid sa roxas boulevard lulan sa isang pedicab. kahit kita sa mukha ng batang ama ang hirap ng pagmamaneho ng pedicab lulan  ang maybahay niya at mga anak nila..siya ay nakangiti at nagtitinginan silang mag-asawa habang tumatawa..sabay haplos ng nanay sa ulo ng bunso nila.

hindi ko alam kong pano o kung kelan mismo..pero sa mga sandaling iyon, biglang namuo sa puso ko ang kakaibang saya. at lubos akong natutuwa na ako ay uuwi rin sa sarili kong pamilya ilang araw na lang…ilang araw na lang, me ganung ngiti rin sa mga bibig ko habang kasama ko ang mga magulang ko, kapatid at mga pamangkin, mga tiyuhin, tiyahin at mga pinsan… madadagdagan ang mga masasayang ala-ala dulot ng mga tradisyon ng pamilya namin tuwing pasko at bagong taon.

nagpapasalamat ako sa pamilyang iyon.dahil sa kanila, dumating na ang diwa ng pasko sa puso ko para sa taong ito.

nawa’y manatili ang diwa ng pasko sa puso nating lahat! maligayang bati! =)

I DID IT!!! i stayed at the bottom for more than 23minutes (which is my threshold point before i surface without a reasonable explanation but sheer loserhood) and now, i’m officially a certified open water diver =) WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! dreams do come true if you just go ahead with it…or you know someone who can help mwehehe

i wanted to cry while we were fish feeding in cathedral, our last dive site. i held a ball of bread in my right hand and the fishes just came at it! they were swarming around me and i can actually touch them if i want to.and i found nemo! and lotsa his cousins too! and a couple of dory-like fishes..and the black fish with a dot on its tail…for a few minutes i actually forgot i was underwater..i just giggled at the fishes that ate from my hand. they look so…alive.i looooooooove the underwater world! oh, on our first dive we got a kinda-scary experience when saw a shark-like thing (no kidding!) swimming near our location. it was a barracuda.whew! but it looked like a shark for a couple of seconds…      

at first i thought that getting a diving license would be too much of a splurge for a tightwad like me but then again,it’s in my list of things to do before i die.and if i wait until i become a lawyer (gift to myself, as originally planned) what if i’m not destined to be one? so,i went ahead and literally took the plunge.

it’s worth it.

the sensation of weighlessness and the beauty of the underwater world cannot be described with words. you have to actually see it to realize the wonder and awe that photographers and explorers feel. i saw how the light play with the color of the corals and the fishes…and other organisms that i only see on national geographic.

they actually exist.

they are real.

and beautiful.

in the course of the dive, i sometimes cheat my instructor cause when i see something, i just stare at it, forgetting to breathe (WHICH IS A MORTAL SIN IN DIVING). but in the end, i somehow manage to conquer my fears and stayed at the bottom. long enough to see the underwater world beyond snorkeling.

i can’t wait for my first fun dive! happiness can be achieved in one’s lifetime..if you just go ahead and do what you wanna do =)

i guess it is me. my purse got stolen last night. maybe there is something in my karma that makes me a magnet to thieves. maybe i have a flashing sign that blinks loser on my forehead. maybe i have a stupid scent they can detect among a group of people. thus far, my experience from them are as follows:

(in the last ten years)

great grandmother’s pendant robbed while walking from the college of  science to the college of  math in peyups… yup, inside campus, yup, in broad daylight. tried to run after the robber to tell him "hey, you can keep the necklace, just please return the pendant!”. but to no avail. after  three generations, it was lost.

wallet pickpocketed (is there such a term?) from me in a bus when i was still  commuting from UP to san jose del monte, bulacan. was preoccupied hugging my books didn’t notice my seatmate got my wallet already. yeah, back then i was the tomboy who would put her wallet at the backpocket of the jeans. i thought it would be safe. i was seating on it for goodness sake!

two week old 6210 that was my popsie’s bday gift.. i was in makati ave,at 6AM(!) waiting for a cab to go to rockwell for my ateneo entrance exam when a guy stood beside me and poked a knife to my rib, asking for my cellphone—funny in five seconds less i thought “bibigay ko ba o hindi? pag di ko binigay,itutuloy niya ang pagsaksak sa akin. makati ave ito, ang pinakamalapit na ospital makati med, sino magdadala sa kin? at mahal pa, tapos la pa si pops at moms dito, sino magaalaga sa kin? mag aalala pa sila tapos di pa ko makakaexam eh ito na ang pagkakataon kong makapaglaw dahil bagsak naman ako sa peyups LAE. at kadiri mahihimatay ako sa dugo if ever at ang taba ko baka di ako mabuhat ng magmamagandang loob…hhmmmm…” i gave it away.

solitaire diamond ring, a couple of watches, and other jewelry when our apartment in makati was robbed the day after we moved in. until now i did not tell moms about the ring. funny she gave it as a college grad gift and i never took it off except that day since mama lai and i went to baclaran. i was scared it might get stolen there (maybe with my chopped finger taken too blech!) so i left it at home.

my wallet in a bizaare way on the second week of the bar exams last year. i was holding it when i left LSAC to go to starbucks. i really didn’t notice when but it was gone before i ordered my drink. imagine, how can i think when i have no single cent to my name? (excuses, excuses mwe he he )

MY WHOLE PURSE just last night in good earth. okay okay i’m stupid i  left it on my seat when i went to the ladies room. but the people i was with were there at the table. all five of them. imagine. angaleng.

so. again. s#!+ happens. i really didn’t feel so bad except that the money i was saving to pay the diving instructor (yes! i did it! this was supposed to be happy entry of my first pool session but alas!) was in there. in cash. i was supposed to buy a nice mask yesterday so i withdrew the money from the ATM before going to scubaworld. so when i changed my mind, i thought i’d give it to him at the end of the night instead so i won’t spend the money on useless stuff over the weekend. argh. istupido. tonto gayud.

and the ateneo ID =,( the one that was not lost last year when my wallet was stolen coz it was in my study purse. the one that i painstakingly placed a sticker on every sem to fill up all eight squares in sequence. completed without losing it four years in law school. gone. and the numbers of my friends on my phone. especially those i seldom see and get in touch only through texts or calls. sigh. and the purse was a gift from one of my dearest friends. and oh. also lost my favorite chandelier earrings from nullah. that was a gift to myself when i got back to work and received my second first salary.

oh well, like my companions said, i should be grateful i was not harmed. yeah, that piercing feeling of cold steel on my rib was a traumatic experience. like all things, stuff lost can be replaced (ahem! ahem! Christmas wish list— nice and small make-up kit (will also accept cheek and lip tint, MAC concealer, and body shop lip balm to go with it mwe he he), ID/ATM/cardholder, two cell phones, earrings from nullah and my self esteem for being a careless, bimboish gurl. i wanna be angry but i just can’t believe it happened to me. again and again. theft/robbery victim extraordinaire. i just hope the person who took it used the money for feeding his/her family or pay the tuition of his/her son or for whatever benevolent cause. i hope it did not go to useless stuff.

in the meantime, i would rather count my blessings. thank God i

• have a job so i can earn the money and phones that i lost
• placed my house keys in my pocket so i was able to get in the apartment
• usually wear the nullah earrings when i’m out with friends and keep my south sea pearl earrings(which was given to me by a very special lady) in that purse
• tucked five hundred in my pocket for contribution to the bill
• have bingo’s friend bunny who lives in QC to take me home
• have an excuse to buy a cute lip gloss that i saw recently
• have an excuse to buy a nice small bag to console myself
• will not be bugged by a stalker texter mwe he he
• know my moms’ number so i was still able to tell my family what happened
• was not mugged, raped, and left for dead in a dark alley somewhere for measly 20K plus (imagine, my whole life would only be worth that much if ever…after everything my parents spent on me, it would be a total waste)
• have my twelve-year old rosary in my pocket and not in its usual spot in the pocket of the purse
• HAVE GREAT FRIENDS LIKE YOU TO KEEP ME HAPPY AND TO BELIEVE IN THE INNATE GOODNESS OF PEOPLE =)

CHEESY ENTRY ALERT!!!!

READ AND GAG AT YOUR OWN RISK.

DON’T SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU…

Time does not bring relief;
you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him! 

sonnet 02 by Edna St. Vincent Millay

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

one of my favorites. hay que bobo.

as if it is not enough, my other vincent millay favorite is just as pathetic:

Pity me not because the
light of day
At close of day no longer walks the sky;
Pity me not for beauties passed away
From field and thicket as the year goes by;
Pity me not the waning of the moon,
Nor that the ebbing tide goes out to sea,
Nor that a man’s desire is hushed so soon,
And you no longer look with love on me.
This have I known always: Love is no more
Than the wide blossom which the wind assails,
Than the great tide that treads the shifting shore,
Strewing fresh wreckage gathered in the gales:
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at ever turn.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

stupid stuff i learned along the way.

sorry,  my brain does not come with a warranty against malfunctions on this aspect.

sigh.

anyone, can you please loan me a brain that works on cheese attacks?

i promise to return it as soon as my brain returns to its logical functions.

argh.

i hate stupidity.